I’d like to buy the world a cock ring

I don’t remember when I bought my first vibrating cock ring.  It could be that I came across it when I was buying Astroglide.  They sell them on the same aisle.  You know that aisle? The one in Target that is within view of the pharmacy counter. The one with all the condoms and lubricants and pregnancy tests. It’s the aisle where people automatically look furtive when they just have to walk past.  About 5 years ago, I discovered that they sell vibrating cock rings on that aisle in Target.  Target!  So you can pick up some trash bags, dog food, and a vibrating cock ring, all on the same shopping trip.

Anyway, I must admit, I felt a bit furtive myself, buying my first cock ring.  I chose a female cashier and piled a bunch of other stuff around it on the conveyor belt when I checked out.

When you’ve been married for many years, there’s not much you can do that hasn’t already been done.  And there’s not much that’s really forbidden.  Doing something that’s not allowed automatically makes it a turn-on, but in marriage, pretty much everything is allowed.  When I presented the idea of using this new toy to my husband, I felt a bit nervous.  I wasn’t sure how he would react.  But he’s a good-natured guy who would pretty much agree to anything I wanted to do. He was surprised but willing, even though he expected it would be solely for my enjoyment.

I opened the box and ripped the foil.  It came with a condom, but we haven’t used one of those in years.  After some surprisingly exciting anticipatory foreplay with a  little lubricant, I slid it on home. I pushed the “on” button, and instantly turned my husband’s penis into a vibrator.  Woo-hoo! Yippee! Yowzah!  He was surprised to find that the sensation was enjoyable for him too.  Our trial run was an all-around success.

My discovery of the vibrating cock ring was a revelation.  I began visiting the furtive aisle with increased confidence.  What other surprises might I find there?  They began offering more brands with more options.  Three speeds! Multiple pulse sensations! And the amusingly designed “ring of bliss,” with what appears to be a screaming face with flames shooting out of its head.  Of course, when Fifty Shades of Gray came out, sex toys became easy to find everywhere.

Even with the increasing availability of such things, people remain furtive.  It’s just not something you talk about with your girlfriends.  It’s a sad fact, because I wish I could share the joy.  I thought about my friends who have been married just as long or longer than I have.  They don’t look too excited about their husbands.  If I could share this great product with them, they too could find excitement again.  But I just didn’t feel like it would be appropriate to start passing them out at the next book club.

Now, sing with me, to the tune of “I’d like to teach the world to sing,” from the 1970’s Coke commercial! “I’d like to buy the world a cock ring…”