The power of fantasy

Marital sex can become routine and boring.  One tool you can use to combat this is fantasy.

I once read a book that advised women to have a “mental library” of fantasies on hand when they need a little boost in the arousal department. By fantasy, I am referring to mental images or stories about situations or locations that arouse you.  I don’t recommend that these fantasies include people outside of the marriage, because that just feeds discontent.  Instead, try picturing you and your partner making love outdoors, or in some exotic locale that is infeasible in real life.  For example, behind a waterfall in the tropics, on a beach, or on the Jumbotron in Times Square.

Think about what you do when you are lucky enough to get a vacation away from the kids.  As a friend of mine says, “I am going to  have dirty, hotel sex.” Not sex in a dirty hotel: I’m talking about sex that is above and beyond the norm.  The kind you are too tired to attempt on a normal Tuesday night.  Some creative positions, maybe.  More enthusiasm, since you’re well rested on your vacation.  And, of course, lots of noise, because you don’t have to worry about the kids hearing.

Naturally, this kind of activity isn’t always possible.  You can’t always be on vacation.  But, you can always take a vacation in your mind.  Even on a Tuesday.

If you feel comfortable, try sharing your fantasy aloud with your partner.  My husband will sometimes say, “where should we be tonight?” Discussing sexual possibilities in some exotic, daring location can get both of you revved up.

So, start working on your mental fantasy library.  Think about it ahead of time; maybe in the shower.  That way, you can check out a steamy story whenever you need a little boost.

Pick a card, any card

So, as I mentioned in my previous post, our sex life has gotten a little predicatable lately.  I decided it might be time to pull out the old sex deck.

About 10 years ago, I purchased a deck of cards that outlined various sexual positions. I know they now make apps for that, but I’m afraid if I install such an app on my iPhone, it will also accidentally appear on my 11-year-old’s device, which is also connected to the same Apple ID.  I’d rather not explain the meaning of the word “tantric” to him, so I stick with old school.  This does require having a hiding place for the cards.  I think I need to have a box for sex-related things that I’m going to label, “If I’m dead, don’t look inside this box.  Trust me.  Just throw it out.  You don’t want to know.” It will save whichever relative that happens to be packing up my belongings from serious psychological trauma.

The Sex Deck is kind of like a fun game: I can fan out the deck of cards and say, “Honey, pick a card! Any card!” The problem is that some of these positions are kind of ridiculous.  For instance, one position actually involves a handstand against the wall.  And almost none of them are advantageous from the female’s perspective.  Only about two of them would allow for any significant clitoral stimulation. The rest are like, “slap her ass and stick it to her.”

Looking through the cards is entertaining, nevertheless, even if you don’t trust fate enough to randomly select one.  They are pretty pornographic, after all, with air-brushed models enacting the sex positions with facial expressions of ecstasy.  Examining pictures of naked people appearing to have so much fun is actually pretty inspiring.

My favorite is “The Woodcutter.”



Maybe we’ve gotten a little too comfortable with the efficient German sex.

I started noticing a pattern.  I’d look over at the clock on the nightstand whenever we finished having sex, and it frequently said 10:28.  That’s right–we are completing the sex act at the same time almost every night to the minute.

That’s a little weird, even for me.

However, I think this problem will resolve itself, as Game of Thrones is now back on HBO from 9 to 10.  That should bump us up to 10:40, at least.

Skinny Dipping

Ever since we bought a house with a pool, I’ve been wanting to initiate some underwater loving.  However, my husband was less enthusiastic about the idea.  Something about windows looking out onto the pool being visible from the kids’ loft area.  Picky, picky.  They’re asleep, right?

After a long wait (18 months, but who’s counting), my dream was finally realized this past week, when the kids were away visiting grandma.  It was (mostly) all that I’d envisioned.  However, I took a few insights from this experience that I feel are worth passing on.

  1. Water that seems perfectly warm during a 90 degree day can feel a bit nippy at night in your birthday suit.
  2. Leverage is everything.  Holding on to the wall provides necessary leverage to achieve the desired effect.  This makes me wonder if doing it in zero gravity would be all I’ve imagined since watching the series premiere of The Expanse.
  3. Astroglide X is useful for underwater slip and slide.  It does, however, appear to leave an oil slick on the surface of the pool that might prove embarrassing to explain to the pool cleaning service.


Efficient German Sex

There’s an old episode of The Simpsons where Homer has been replaced with a German look-a-like.  At the end of the episode, Marge becomes aware of the switch.  However, when the doppelganger turns to her in bed and asks, “Now shall we have efficient German sex?” Marge replies, “Mm… Okay!”

Sometimes marital sex feels a little like efficient German sex.  But I think it’s important to persevere.

My husband and I have sex every other day, give or take.  Sound like a boring, married routine?  It is routine, but it’s not boring.

You know those commercials for Cialis? The ones with the two bathtubs? (What is that all about, anyway?  Why two? Logically, you only need one tub.) They always show a retired couple with all the time in the world.  No kids to put to bed.  No work to catch up on.  They have the luxury of impromptu sex. “When the moment is right…” Unfortunately, nature, that cruel bitch, has left the poor old man without a boner when he needs one.  So there’s Cialis.

We don’t have the luxury of impromptu sex.  We can’t wait until “the moment is right.” We really only have the opportunity between 10 and 11pm: after the kids are in bed, but before we collapse into a coma.

So we don’t wait for the moment to be right.  We take advantage of the moment we have. But not every night.  Let’s not go crazy.


I’d like to buy the world a cock ring

I don’t remember when I bought my first vibrating cock ring.  It could be that I came across it when I was buying Astroglide.  They sell them on the same aisle.  You know that aisle? The one in Target that is within view of the pharmacy counter. The one with all the condoms and lubricants and pregnancy tests. It’s the aisle where people automatically look furtive when they just have to walk past.  About 5 years ago, I discovered that they sell vibrating cock rings on that aisle in Target.  Target!  So you can pick up some trash bags, dog food, and a vibrating cock ring, all on the same shopping trip.

Anyway, I must admit, I felt a bit furtive myself, buying my first cock ring.  I chose a female cashier and piled a bunch of other stuff around it on the conveyor belt when I checked out.

When you’ve been married for many years, there’s not much you can do that hasn’t already been done.  And there’s not much that’s really forbidden.  Doing something that’s not allowed automatically makes it a turn-on, but in marriage, pretty much everything is allowed.  When I presented the idea of using this new toy to my husband, I felt a bit nervous.  I wasn’t sure how he would react.  But he’s a good-natured guy who would pretty much agree to anything I wanted to do. He was surprised but willing, even though he expected it would be solely for my enjoyment.

I opened the box and ripped the foil.  It came with a condom, but we haven’t used one of those in years.  After some surprisingly exciting anticipatory foreplay with a  little lubricant, I slid it on home. I pushed the “on” button, and instantly turned my husband’s penis into a vibrator.  Woo-hoo! Yippee! Yowzah!  He was surprised to find that the sensation was enjoyable for him too.  Our trial run was an all-around success.

My discovery of the vibrating cock ring was a revelation.  I began visiting the furtive aisle with increased confidence.  What other surprises might I find there?  They began offering more brands with more options.  Three speeds! Multiple pulse sensations! And the ringamusingly designed “ring of bliss,” with what appears to be a screaming face with flames shooting out of its head.  Of course, when Fifty Shades of Gray came out, sex toys became easy to find everywhere.

Even with the increasing availability of such things, people remain furtive.  It’s just not something you talk about with your girlfriends.  It’s a sad fact, because I wish I could share the joy.  I thought about my friends who have been married just as long or longer than I have.  They don’t look too excited about their husbands.  If I could share this great product with them, they too could find excitement again.  But I just didn’t feel like it would be appropriate to start passing them out at the next book club.

Now, sing with me, to the tune of “I’d like to teach the world to sing,” from the 1970’s Coke commercial! “I’d like to buy the world a cock ring…”